And a whole year zoozed by without any updates of any sorts from my end.

Since the last post, I've been to Sweden, back to my homeland, Indonesia, Denmark, and back to my second homeland - kimchiland. I survived a toxic working environment, threatening to fire me 3 times.

I was supposed to go to Germany, yes, my dream country to do a project but I ended up calling it quits. It gets tiring and disheartening when your effort is not appreciated.

Now, I'm jobless. So, the second time is not too bad. At least, I don't feel too bad.

I took the chance to travel and have been in Berlin, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Brussels, Antwerp, Brugges and now I'm in Lille.

Now the post is not about my travels. It's about my thoughts on being Malaysian Chinese.

I've googled "How it feels to be Malaysian Chinese?" several times and I have come across any article that quite explain how I feel.

And this post is not meant to be racially controversial or to provoke anyone. It is merely to express myself. Internationally, I identify myself as a Malaysian. Only when somebody asks if I am Chinese that I explain my heritage.

What I want to write about is this...

In Berlin, I joined the Sandemans free walking tour and the tour guide was informative, speaking of the Holocaust. One question raised during the tour is why were the Jews killed and how did it happen?

The tour guide's answer was, "It's probably because when the economy is not going well and the politicians have nothing to blame on, they turn to the minorities who are doing well to blame. And it happened by slowly stripping them off their basic rights, until it becomes normal to treat them differently."

This sounded too familiar...

Another article on this is here

It was a tour group of more than 20 people. I do not think there is anybody who realized how much these words resonated with me - having had an East Berliner once asking me, "Do you think there are similarities between Malaysian Chinese and the Jews back in the days?"

The next day, to learn more about the World War 2, I visited the Topography of Terror in the late evening. I was dead tired from a full day of walking in my uncomfortable boots and nearly calling it quits to go home. That was when I came across this photo.

It was captioned, Jews in civilian clothes, shaved bold. 

I stepped back from the photo. Shuddered at the thought of suddenly having to go through being shaved and seeing others shaved, knowing this is injustice yet enduring it and patiently lining up.

And then I counted. 5 in a box times with probably 20 = 100 times with how many boxes? 

I couldn't help it I suddenly felt a surge of hatred for the injustice on behalf of the people in the photo. 

What are their names? What are their stories like? How did they leave the world? What did they feel? What happened to their families? 

And finally, the question - What was it like to be one of them?

Having been abroad from Malaysia for a decade, the racial situation in Malaysia does not seem to get better, in fact, it is deteriorating. Partially because Malaysia's economic growth is slowing and neighbouring countries such as Indonesia, the Philippines, Vietnam and Thailand is catching up. We the Malayan Tigers trail behind Singapore. Politicians have to start explaining and answering the big W.H.Y. 

So, how does it feel like to be a Malaysian Chinese? Let this Malaysian Chinese tell you. 

"Will something such as the Holocaust happen in Malaysia?" This is a ringing thought that all Malaysian Chinese have to live with and if we choose not to migrate somewhere else. Maybe not all Malaysian Chinese, but that is how this little Malaysian Chinese girl feel. Although I have decided that, after my big tour in Europe, I will settle down in Malaysia, I cannot get rid of the feeling of guilt to my future kids that I was not able to get them out of this dilemma I'm facing myself. That they will be born into this dilemma.

Another thing some others may ask. "Does it feel more superior to be a Malaysian Chinese?" Absolutely not. In fact, it feels restricted. It feels like I constantly have to prove my faith and my patriotism and declare my love to Malaysia. Tell me who else in the world need to prove their love to their homeland to their own people?