IT is uncomfortable

I've been feeling like, I need to come here to pour my heart out, in words; and yet, I haven't done it; simply because, I cannot find the courage to do so. 

Perhaps it is because for the past few years, although there have been ups and downs, in general, the average happiness quotient in my life has been above average to high. 

And, that has slowly depreciated since I came clean to K&L about what I observed in Em, both about her work and her values - lets call this IT. 

Maybe a part of me still feels guilty, as a friend to have shed light on IT,  given clarity on IT; and no matter how much my rational self knows that - what I did, is for the greater good of the company, my heart, increasingly feels unsafe, naked and I am scared...

I am scared, for I fear my courage has brought me eventual calamity. 
That, the moment I opened up the topic about IT, that it would be an endless path to deciphering, that leads nowhere. 
And that, may eventually derail me from the mission of making it work out in the COO position K&L has asked of me. 

I have considered whether I am self-sabotaging/ buying time/ giving myself good enough reasons to launch myself out of my comfort zone again; or simply prepping for myself to fully rise for what is looming in my face...
... and I think, every single time, it comes back to, "No. I'm actually equipped enough." 
"I do know, what I want to achieve, and it's in line with whatever was tasked."
"I have seen improvements and results from my minimal involvement."
and the biggest of all - I have a track record that says, "I have always made it work. I have always found ways, to make it work, one way or the other. I am relentless in trying, I am relentless in testing things out, I am relentless in learning, I am relentless in being courageous."

So, why does being courageous about EM and IT, so daunting? 

Perhaps, because it is foreign. It is new. It is very very scary...
Because, it may the first time, I choose to stay and fight for changing the environment, instead of changing myself. And taking the lead on this change, and being in charge of the consequences from making the change, is a burden I am unfamiliar with. It is untested territory, and something I have managed to elude in the course of my entire 38 years and 1.5 month - life.

I have left Hyundai, always slightly regretful that I did not manage to change things for the better because I've deleted all my recordings of my monster. Justifying to myself that I felt so sick holding onto them.
I have left SCMP, hardly wanting to write that Glassdoor review Chrissie rallied for, because although it all felt like a scam, a con-job, it enabled me to travel the world in such a big, meaningful way. And I don't want to take that away from somebody else.
I have left PH, not looking back, because they are on a hopeless sinking ship. lol
I have left Hopes that I built with a lot of pride and care, because ultimately, there is need for one voice; and I knew mine was not louder than Sam's... and if I fought on, he would have more to lose than me. And a person who lost it all, would do anything to fight on... and maybe in someways, I could liken Sam and Em...?
I then left GSH, knowing that when I leave, everything would unravel to make them question. And sure enough, it did within the next 6 months. And yet I know, whatever change I wish to see there, will not happen because institutionally, they would not, so why care to?

And that brings us to my current predicament...
Where art thou, Khay Inn?

You have drunk wine, and wine has put you here, where you have chosen to stay and fight for the environment you're in, because it is not just about you. It is about protecting whatever this is, that you've stumbled upon and discovered it to be a gem of a place... that plays house to you and many others' "above average to high happiness quotient"....

So soldier up, be courageous to be more. Accept that you've made changes to IT. and be done dwelling. because the the mammoth task ahead, awaits.

It's kinda funny that you find IT more daunting than your mammoth COO task.