Ok, finally writing in my blog again after all this time.
I stopped writing here once I got my job for the fear of…. Whatever. -_- and reading back on some posts, things I wrote down were so vague. I don’t even remember how I felt at that time and it’s hard to figure what prompted me to write those down.
Anyway, here I am. Back here. =) Still, very much the same me.

June. It’s already June. This baby has been working for 6 months now. I was in the toilet, looking into the mirror at myself, taking a hard long look at myself and for a moment, I realized, this baby has some lines on her face-not so much a baby anymore. This baby is an adult now. This baby is in makeup, a neat pony tail, working clothes.

I’m working in a company where I am the only foreigner they ever hired. .I’m working 12 hours a day, using Korean 100%. I go home to an empty apartment I spend 20% of my monthly pay everyday after work with a slight headache-from what I call overflowing Korean. I stop by at the mart and do my grocery shopping, cook something simple, eat alone and go out for a walk, alone. Sometimes when I get a lil crazy, I buy and eat an entire cheesecake. A pretty expensive but really yummy one. Thinking to myself, I can afford it, I should reward myself, I will feel better after it, and there’s always ways to keep the fat away from my hips.

I go by life like this everyday, for the sixth month now. I’ve started to adapt and get use to it. However, everyday, I wonder when will my business Korean gets better. When will I be able to write a perfect business letter in Korean. I wonder when will I be able to save enough to stop paying rent. I wonder how my parents are coping with life without me by their side. I wonder if everyone I love is doing fine. I wonder when people I love around me are leaving me. I wonder will I ever make new friends when the current ones leave. I wonder when I will stop feeling lonely in this place. I wonder when will be the perfect time to leave. And where will be the perfect place to leave to. I’m 23 going on 24. I look at the female assistant manager in my team, she’s pretty, very capable, but she has these harsh, cold lines on her face. I wonder, will that be me someday. I’m a little terrified.

I suppose, if I don’t write these down, if I keep all these in, if I continue forcing myself to be strong, I shall ultimately, one day, break down. I;ve been taking little sneaky trips to the toilet to let the tears fall. I know there’s nothing particularly sad about my life, I know, but the littlest things trigger those tears, seriously. And I hate myself for being such a softie. I know I choose this life. I choose this path(because I wanted to) and I know I should count my blessings that erke is in Korea etc. I know I’m a lucky girl to have what I have today. I know I should be stronger but damn it, it’s so hard to be strong and independent.

Maybe I wear my feelings on my sleeve, but that’s just me. If I stop being me, I think I might get more lines on my face, faster.

So, here I am, back on my blog. Back to spilling everything out, just like that.