Clarity of Self

I have been wanting to come back here, and didn't manage to... because, life...
Since I was here, we have an addition to our little family - the sweetest, bestest, loveliest, spunkiest Sierra Wee Yii Rui. 
At 2 years and 7 months, you have bring so much joy to us!

When I gave birth to you with a chocolate cookie in my mouth, I knew you're gonna be special - my little Rara. You were the easiest baby, still the easiest toddler when it comes to sleeping, eating and playing.
Well, now you are occasionally really cheeky, and throw your pillow out of the fence to demonstrate defiance if you are not willing to sleep... hahaha
You brother though, have stepped up, into this role, which I've never thought of - to be so kind, so gentle and caring towards you. Which warms my heart. 
Initially when juggling you both, I've always had a little bit of guilt for you are not my firstborn, and everything firstborn did was so so exciting. So much until one day, Popo called me out, and told me to snap out of it - that if I love Kayson and pay alot of attention to him, you, Rara will benefit from having a centred, loving big brother. I guess, so far Popo has been right.... <3

I'm here partially because your papa and I had just had a big discussion / arguement / make up / insulting / complimenting each other session. I don't really know what to make of us. Such oddity that he is the exact opposite of me in so many ways, yet values wise, we are one.

Your papa basically told mama that he admires these qualities in me:
1. Hitler style communication that is "your way or the high way" :(
2. Irregardless of how others feel on the way of communication :(
3. Sounds like I'm making the other person think they are slow / not so smart :(

And he said he admire these qualities in me. He challenged me that I am not an introvert. Can he not suddenly try to be a psychologist? Please just be the engineer you are..... if you're reading this. hahaha..
He said introverts do not speak so directly like me. Introverts should be like Uncle Kenji - slightly awkward in starting new conversations. I told him I mask it well, that I've been having training in networking events since duhhhh... 21 yo! idiot.

Later on, before he went to bed, he did whisper that the best part is that I have a kind heart, generous and genuine... <3 That was very lovely. 

I went to chatgpt to ask it to analyse Malc's observations of me - which was quite accurate. Sometimes, I think nobody knows me better than Malc; and still he doesn't know so much about me.

I am so happy, so happy with life. I have absolutely beautiful children, help and community built from scratch. Happy workplace and colleagues that I can talk to candidly. Husband who is nothing but supportive of me. And parents well taken cared of by my koko and ah sou. There's really nothing more I could ask for. 

Sometimes people ask me why am I so happy. I don't know the long answer. Hmm. I guess I know the short one - which is to have very high transparent Clarity of Self - to appreciate that life is as good as we can make it to be. And what paths we choose would lead us to where we want, what we want - deep down inside. 

And very frankly speaking, I love everybody passionately, fiercely. yet I love myself, every single second, more passionately and fiercely than anything in this world. And that is why I have so much love to give. 

xoxo
Kayson and Rara my baby Kangaroos.
Mama love you 
"I love you mummy, my sweet sweet mummy", Rara
"Baby Kangaroo wants to hide inside mama's pouch!", Kayson

First Year of Motherhood

I don't know where to start. Motherhood is a totally different ball game. And perhaps my pregnancy was a breezy one, I naively didn't anticipate the challenges of motherhood.
To recap:
1. We had a crazy confinement lady who showed up late, left us for 3 days with a friend, bossed Malc and myself around, and left early because of a CCTV.
2. I had low breastmilk supply and had severe PPD.
3. Kayson Wee Yii Sern had jaundice for 18 weeks. 
4. I unlearnt, relearnt, and is still learning.
5. We had so much fun with Kayson.
6. We went to Shangrila Rasa Ria 3 times, Mountain Valley once, Shangrila KL once and Bunga Raya resort once. 
7. We went back to see family in KL for 3 weeks and he walked there.
8. I restarted with Hopes with a minimal role. I don't know how I juggle a full-time job, being a mother, fully breastfeeding Kayson, and handle Hopes. I have the best friendships and work relationships up to this point of life, making it possible, I guess. And up to now, I have had 5 different domestic helpers. And Malc works half day from home. 
9. I call nearly daily to mama - after becoming a mama myself, I think we got closer. And she's so so important to my mental sustenance. 
10. I realised Malc is the best partner for me.
11. I recently in the last two months, managed to watch one movie, Squid Game, Money Heist Part 5 and  started reading one book (in Chinese) lol

I kept wanting to come back to write here, and kept putting it off, until just now when I cuddled Kayson to nap, and thought I'd better come and write down how I feel about being a mother before I forget it all. 

Kayson, you are such a beautiful baby. You are wonderful to care for. You are loving and you seems really kind. And you do have a big personality - adventurous, daring, outgoing and very persistent. 
You love human interactions, you give kisses to even animals in your books. And you are so smart. You remember things we didn't think you would. And you manage to charm so many people into loving you. 

Your papa is so strong, so kind, so patient, and I think you takeover all these qualities from him. And you also took some from me, the adventurous, daring part, I supposed. Back to your papa who loves us so much and does so well in caring for us. Making sure we are ok, at all times. Making sure I have the freedom to decide what I want to do for us. And that's how we manage on, everyday, the three of us to be three happy human beings. 

There are days that are more challenging, there are days when I let work stress get to me and affect my mood. And these are times that I've got to keep being honest to self-reflect and be more patient, with the ever-changing situation, letting go, letting things be, and be more forgiving to myself. And always, your papa, is there to forgive me, to wait for me to come around. Always so kind and patient, and so calm in weathering through the thunderstorm I throw his way. And always, you are there, with your sparkly eyes and charming smile and funny antics, to remind me that it's going to be ok. That you are a happy baby. That it is all worth it. 

Thank you Papa and Kayson. 
I love you both so much.

First Confirmed Pregnancy

Haven't been writing here for a long time.

Since the last post, I've again changed jobs in July 2019.

I want to go on and on about how much I love my new job, the exciting environment, the challenges with the covid19 situation that we see no end to yet, my new bosses that I really like working with. And the people that came into my life with the new job.

But the real reason I'm here is to document my first confirmed pregnancy.

Five days ago I had a beer when I was on call with Elena.
Four days ago on Saturday, I had finally ate Maggi Goreng because I was craving for it and Malc went asked for it when Malc went grocery shopping. It's the first time I have huge cravings for Maggi Goreng and Campbell mushroom soup. I know. Not the healthiest choices.
After the Maggi Goreng and a thick cup of coffee, I felt so nauseated but was unable to vomit. I continue to feel so throughout the day and thought it was some bad tummy flu.

On Sunday, I felt better, I even worked out. And come night, I was tired at 10pm, couldn't sleep till 3am. And on Monday, I was fatigue and nauseated. These never happened from lack of sleep. My nipples were also sore for quite a few days now, and I checked my clue app to see that my period is due soon. So it's either PMS or early pregnancy symptoms, but in my gut I feel like it is the later.
On Monday night again I had a loss of sleep, but managed to sleep quite well but felt fatigue and the nausea came back in waves and so on Tuesday evening I told Malc to get a pregnancy test kit.

We tested immediately, and the results were obvious. Malc is very happy. He has this silly grin on his face and kept asking me, "Are you scared?" He held on to the pregnancy kit and kept taking photos and placed it high on the shelf in front of Buddha. ^ ^ I married the right man for me. He's so entertaining.

I am nervous. I have never been pregnant in my life. And I'm very happy to receive this new gift. We are praying for a safe pregnancy, safe delivery and for you to grow up well and happy.

That is all we care about at the moment. <3 br="" love="" nbsp="" we="" you="">

31

There are few things I want to list down, so that when I grow older, I'd be able to follow them. These are based on observations of my parents, and the older generation around me. In general, I quite like the life papa and mama are having now. I never knew, one day, I'd use the word "CUTE" to describe papa and mama.

So here you go,

1. Remember, you are always younger in your head than in your body. Slow down your movements. Slow and steady helps you go further.

2. Remember, you are not always right. You strongly believe that everyone has a story. Remember that with that story, comes their decision and consequences from their decision; however strongly you feel about them, the decision and consequences are theirs.

3. Remember, to continue having a passion for yourself. To live for yourself. To do things you love. To feel things. Remember that there's no trial run in life. Life is so short, and there's no repeat button.

4. Remember, to read. And to slow down your reading. To take in the sentences. Remember that you tend to rush and that it is ok to slow down. Try to not rush. Try not to rush your kids. Try not to rush others. Please try to take your time and slow down. As there is no point rushing.

5. Remember, time helps and also diminishes everything. Nothing win over time. Remember in harder times, that in a few years, it will be ok. Remember in good times, that in a few years, this may be forgotten. Grief hard; celebrate harder.

6. Remember, innocence is bliss, ignorance is not. Appreciate innocence, tolerate ignorance.

7. Remember, to love, as hard as you always do. To always give hugs. Even if some hugs can be awkward, still do hug. Do kiss when you can. It's not always that you can hug and kiss someone. Remember when you have a chance to do it. Do it.

8. Remember, to be comfortable with uncomfortable. Remember that you always put yourself out of your comfort zone as the growth outsize the comfort zone helps you grow and feel alive. Remember to always keep that feeling of growth.

9. Remember, to make small changes that will lead to bigger change. Sleep earlier, wake earlier, take more steps, eat better, love better.

10. Remember, to do good, say good, think good. Even when it takes effort to do so.

I'm gonna be married to Malcolm next I come here. Quite excited. I didn't know we'd get married ever. Funny how there's still sparks after 5 years plus. Maybe on our 50th anniversary, there's still gonna be sparks? May that be the case. The road ahead is long and wide and far.
To be honest, yes, I didn't want a wedding, but somehow, now, I'm looking forward to the whole big ceremony. Perhaps, that's why people want weddings. To my future kids, you may do whatever you damn well be pleased with. I shall try my best not to comment. No promises though!

1. I started an NGO. Sam, my partner is running it and we are doing well. I'm so proud of him.

2. I joined GSH. A company I underestimated. It's been awesome with them. A job I enjoy best in my life, apart from my little NGO side gig.

3. This is how 30s actually feel. It is awesome.

4. I'm married to Malc. I love this dude so much. Although now he's cut up. Poor born with defects man hahaha.

5. Last Christmas Fe tried making drama still. And I sometimes I wonder how T feels. So drama is still in my life. I just know how to leave it to sleep now. Signs of maturity.

6. My favourite persons in the world are Mira, Raevinn and Raesenn. Each special in their own way. I often wonder what kind of mom I will be.

7. Mom and dad are getting weak. I'm constantly worried.

8. I have a new set of parents I started feeling comfortable calling pa and ma.

9. I love this dude. This dude that is snoring away.

10. Thank you for this life. I'm loving it. And I hope God continues to be kind to me and my love ones.

11. I hope Lee Vee heals up better. I pray for her to get conceived each day.

12. I have a set of friends that are all different but I'm glad to have them.

Thank you year 30. Bring it on.

Where do I start?

It's been so long since I last wrote here. Perhaps I'm back here because I've nowhere else to go to.

What happened since the last time I was here?

I made a choice to come back home. I'll give you a hundred of reasons to that as front-line answers, go into government policies on immigrants and racial tolerance etc to convince you and myself that it's a correct decision.

And if I'm more honest about it. And more proud of my decision, I'd have to admit - I came back for Malc. I'm not the proudest to admit I came back because I fell in love, because I'm also a cynic that believes everything diminishes with time. Including love.

What happened since then?

My career took a really big step back. For the first year, I worked for a small size local property magazine. I was suddenly working with the mass and realised in my life, I was privilege enough to have always been in that top 5% rung, be it in education or workplace - Korea Univ, Hyundai and SCMP and I was for the first time, out of that 5% bubble and was forced to be adapting to dealing with the other 85% and I was humbled by my surroundings.

How does it feel?

It feels weird and conflicting. Suddenly I am now placed on a pedestal when on an international level, I was considered average.

What to do about it?

Play along with it. And I try my best to encourage and give confidence to those who came to me seeking help to see the possibilities and opportunities outside of Sabah.

How do you come to now?

Now? I feel worthless and abandoned. Not by Malc. He's wonderful.
I feel worthless and abandoned by the people in my previous life and current life. I feel like I'm caught between a limbo - I no longer are on the level of those in my previous life. And at the same time, try as I may, I'll never feel 100% in tune with those in my current life.

What to do about it?

Try to adapt. I'm allowing myself to cry (sometimes, well, it's more than sometimes) and continue to try. After all growth happens only when I put myself outside of my comfort zone.
And like I once declared - I'm quite addicted to that.

I am undeniably more in love than I thought I could ever be.