What would come out on the paper if I put my face there… or better, somebody else’s face…

I smiled thinking of that when photocopying some documents.

How sick that is. I need to get out of this shit soon.

Holding on to a guy who is not into you, is like holding on to the last bit of melted dark chocolate in your mouth. You play around with it with your tongue, bit by bit, tasting its sweetness, and that little bit of bitterness that tags along its sweetness. Savouring it while it gets smaller and smaller in size, enjoying it, but in the end, it’s still gonna dissolve and slide down your throat.

When it’s there, the whole piece, you grow complacent. The thought of it dissolving away slipped your mind, until reality hits you, that this sweetness, is not lasting forever – you are losing it; then, you start putting your heart and soul into enjoying it – the bitter sweetness.

You wouldn’t want this to stop, ever, because you’ve just started to really enjoy it, feeling like it’s perfection, feeling like it matches all your cravings and needs. When it gets smaller and smaller, the fear of losing it drives the urge in you to hold on to it, sucking on it to hold on to that only perfection you have in mind. And then, when it finally vanishes down your throat, consequences of your own doing, you fall into a pit of emptiness. You weren’t ready to accept the loss, you regret it all happened too fast, thinking had you stopped and savoured it a little longer, had you prolonged its stay with you. All of a sudden, the other chocolates do not look as appealing as it was. By comparison, it faired so much better than others. It was PERFECT for you. You forgot, it is NOT perfect. It is PERFECT for you because losing yourself in the haze to hold on to it, you have unconsciously painted a PERFECT picture of it. In the midst of savouring its sweetness, you forgot about the sort of disturbing bitterness in it, you ignored the fact that when some of it got caught in between your teeth, it was a little uncomfortable. You choose to focus your attention only what was the perfect image in your mind and when it’s gone, you focus your attention on mourning the loss. Steadily ignoring the vast variety of chocolates available. You think, that’s loyalty. Loyalty to your perfect chocolate piece. Truth is, there’s only you yourself to prove that to. Let go and live a free life, when you stop trying to prove your point, you learn to enjoy various kinds of chocolates that satisfy your pallets enough to the point you would have to go on a diet.

Felt like writing and re-visited this place. Gosh, how amazing humans were created to be. Wireless internet, blogging and maybe a million of people thinking the same thoughts as I am right now, feeling the same feelings and going online to blog about it. And how unfair and unbalanced it is that, in some part of the world, people are just focused on not dying from hunger and lack of water; and in some part of the world, people are feeling not-too-happy from whatever particular reasons, going online to blog about it.

I don't even know why I still keep my blog and why I choose to come back still, once in awhile. Why I can't totally abandon it.

Maybe it's just some kind of log that I keep because I see myself change lil by lil with what I wrote and how I felt about things. And maybe it reminds me of who I wanted to be and keep me believing in what I believed in back then.

Few days ago, somebody asked me, what has changed in the span of 6 months over the phone.
I said, "Nothing much. Oh ya, I am an aunt now, I have a nephew"

Yes, ziying gave birth to a boy. :) Honestly, I don't know how I feel about all this but I know it's a beautiful thing that happened. Sorta like a miracle, I don't know how to express myself.

Truth is, so much has changed and right now I just don't wanna write anymore.

Ok, finally writing in my blog again after all this time.
I stopped writing here once I got my job for the fear of…. Whatever. -_- and reading back on some posts, things I wrote down were so vague. I don’t even remember how I felt at that time and it’s hard to figure what prompted me to write those down.
Anyway, here I am. Back here. =) Still, very much the same me.

June. It’s already June. This baby has been working for 6 months now. I was in the toilet, looking into the mirror at myself, taking a hard long look at myself and for a moment, I realized, this baby has some lines on her face-not so much a baby anymore. This baby is an adult now. This baby is in makeup, a neat pony tail, working clothes.

I’m working in a company where I am the only foreigner they ever hired. .I’m working 12 hours a day, using Korean 100%. I go home to an empty apartment I spend 20% of my monthly pay everyday after work with a slight headache-from what I call overflowing Korean. I stop by at the mart and do my grocery shopping, cook something simple, eat alone and go out for a walk, alone. Sometimes when I get a lil crazy, I buy and eat an entire cheesecake. A pretty expensive but really yummy one. Thinking to myself, I can afford it, I should reward myself, I will feel better after it, and there’s always ways to keep the fat away from my hips.

I go by life like this everyday, for the sixth month now. I’ve started to adapt and get use to it. However, everyday, I wonder when will my business Korean gets better. When will I be able to write a perfect business letter in Korean. I wonder when will I be able to save enough to stop paying rent. I wonder how my parents are coping with life without me by their side. I wonder if everyone I love is doing fine. I wonder when people I love around me are leaving me. I wonder will I ever make new friends when the current ones leave. I wonder when I will stop feeling lonely in this place. I wonder when will be the perfect time to leave. And where will be the perfect place to leave to. I’m 23 going on 24. I look at the female assistant manager in my team, she’s pretty, very capable, but she has these harsh, cold lines on her face. I wonder, will that be me someday. I’m a little terrified.

I suppose, if I don’t write these down, if I keep all these in, if I continue forcing myself to be strong, I shall ultimately, one day, break down. I;ve been taking little sneaky trips to the toilet to let the tears fall. I know there’s nothing particularly sad about my life, I know, but the littlest things trigger those tears, seriously. And I hate myself for being such a softie. I know I choose this life. I choose this path(because I wanted to) and I know I should count my blessings that erke is in Korea etc. I know I’m a lucky girl to have what I have today. I know I should be stronger but damn it, it’s so hard to be strong and independent.

Maybe I wear my feelings on my sleeve, but that’s just me. If I stop being me, I think I might get more lines on my face, faster.

So, here I am, back on my blog. Back to spilling everything out, just like that.

I feel like an idiot right now. A bigggg bigggg idiot. Kkk
I've been smiling all by myself and people rushing by must think I'm retarded or something.
Thing is, I bought a mixer kkkk!! And I hv wanted one for so long but kept telling. Myself I don't need it.
Kkkk bought it. Very happy. Can't stop smiling! :))))

Funny how I sounded so happy in the last post.
It has been ages since I wrote anything. Been too busy to even stop and think.
I hope I won't regret my decision staying back here (honestly a place I don't even like) to work. And I don't have a timeline how long I'm going to work here.

This trip back to Malaysia, I feel like I'm missing out so much not being around. And at the same time, I feel like I cannot just go back with nothing. Of course there are people to go back to. Family and friends. However, I have built so much here and it is hard to just leave and go back to there starting out from zero all over again.

As much as I like my independence, my freedom, and the feeling that I'm in control of everything around me, I constantly feel the lack of warmth, sincerity and pure kindness around me.
I'm tired of having to be cautious around people, doubting their words and suspecting their ulterior motives. I'm tired of feeling that I need to protect myself.

I don't know how this year is going to turn out but I certainly hope it will be a good one.

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe.

Please forgive me, I'm just kinda happy and I feel like I wanna jump and spin and dance. Thank goodness I can't do cartwheels, I will do em' if I can.

hehehehehehehehehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehe.

Enough of giggling. I suppose I have to behave like a grown up now.

Considering I'm gonna start work soooooooon and I'm hoping for something wonderful. A girl can be SO GREEDY!
kekekekekekekekkekekee.

Okay! Seriously.

Goodnight world! <3

I just did something really silly.
I went to facebook and changed my status from single to being in a relationship.
With who? I typed my own name, click on myself and then press save!

And facebook told me this..
You cannot create a relationship with yourself.

Sometimes it's fun to just create nonsense because I'm young and I'm allowed to do so.