1. I started an NGO. Sam, my partner is running it and we are doing well. I'm so proud of him.

2. I joined GSH. A company I underestimated. It's been awesome with them. A job I enjoy best in my life, apart from my little NGO side gig.

3. This is how 30s actually feel. It is awesome.

4. I'm married to Malc. I love this dude so much. Although now he's cut up. Poor born with defects man hahaha.

5. Last Christmas Fe tried making drama still. And I sometimes I wonder how T feels. So drama is still in my life. I just know how to leave it to sleep now. Signs of maturity.

6. My favourite persons in the world are Mira, Raevinn and Raesenn. Each special in their own way. I often wonder what kind of mom I will be.

7. Mom and dad are getting weak. I'm constantly worried.

8. I have a new set of parents I started feeling comfortable calling pa and ma.

9. I love this dude. This dude that is snoring away.

10. Thank you for this life. I'm loving it. And I hope God continues to be kind to me and my love ones.

11. I hope Lee Vee heals up better. I pray for her to get conceived each day.

12. I have a set of friends that are all different but I'm glad to have them.

Thank you year 30. Bring it on.

Where do I start?

It's been so long since I last wrote here. Perhaps I'm back here because I've nowhere else to go to.

What happened since the last time I was here?

I made a choice to come back home. I'll give you a hundred of reasons to that as front-line answers, go into government policies on immigrants and racial tolerance etc to convince you and myself that it's a correct decision.

And if I'm more honest about it. And more proud of my decision, I'd have to admit - I came back for Malc. I'm not the proudest to admit I came back because I fell in love, because I'm also a cynic that believes everything diminishes with time. Including love.

What happened since then?

My career took a really big step back. For the first year, I worked for a small size local property magazine. I was suddenly working with the mass and realised in my life, I was privilege enough to have always been in that top 5% rung, be it in education or workplace - Korea Univ, Hyundai and SCMP and I was for the first time, out of that 5% bubble and was forced to be adapting to dealing with the other 85% and I was humbled by my surroundings.

How does it feel?

It feels weird and conflicting. Suddenly I am now placed on a pedestal when on an international level, I was considered average.

What to do about it?

Play along with it. And I try my best to encourage and give confidence to those who came to me seeking help to see the possibilities and opportunities outside of Sabah.

How do you come to now?

Now? I feel worthless and abandoned. Not by Malc. He's wonderful.
I feel worthless and abandoned by the people in my previous life and current life. I feel like I'm caught between a limbo - I no longer are on the level of those in my previous life. And at the same time, try as I may, I'll never feel 100% in tune with those in my current life.

What to do about it?

Try to adapt. I'm allowing myself to cry (sometimes, well, it's more than sometimes) and continue to try. After all growth happens only when I put myself outside of my comfort zone.
And like I once declared - I'm quite addicted to that.

I am undeniably more in love than I thought I could ever be.

And a whole year zoozed by without any updates of any sorts from my end.

Since the last post, I've been to Sweden, back to my homeland, Indonesia, Denmark, and back to my second homeland - kimchiland. I survived a toxic working environment, threatening to fire me 3 times.

I was supposed to go to Germany, yes, my dream country to do a project but I ended up calling it quits. It gets tiring and disheartening when your effort is not appreciated.

Now, I'm jobless. So, the second time is not too bad. At least, I don't feel too bad.

I took the chance to travel and have been in Berlin, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Brussels, Antwerp, Brugges and now I'm in Lille.

Now the post is not about my travels. It's about my thoughts on being Malaysian Chinese.

I've googled "How it feels to be Malaysian Chinese?" several times and I have come across any article that quite explain how I feel.

And this post is not meant to be racially controversial or to provoke anyone. It is merely to express myself. Internationally, I identify myself as a Malaysian. Only when somebody asks if I am Chinese that I explain my heritage.

What I want to write about is this...

In Berlin, I joined the Sandemans free walking tour and the tour guide was informative, speaking of the Holocaust. One question raised during the tour is why were the Jews killed and how did it happen?

The tour guide's answer was, "It's probably because when the economy is not going well and the politicians have nothing to blame on, they turn to the minorities who are doing well to blame. And it happened by slowly stripping them off their basic rights, until it becomes normal to treat them differently."

This sounded too familiar...

Another article on this is here

It was a tour group of more than 20 people. I do not think there is anybody who realized how much these words resonated with me - having had an East Berliner once asking me, "Do you think there are similarities between Malaysian Chinese and the Jews back in the days?"

The next day, to learn more about the World War 2, I visited the Topography of Terror in the late evening. I was dead tired from a full day of walking in my uncomfortable boots and nearly calling it quits to go home. That was when I came across this photo.

It was captioned, Jews in civilian clothes, shaved bold. 

I stepped back from the photo. Shuddered at the thought of suddenly having to go through being shaved and seeing others shaved, knowing this is injustice yet enduring it and patiently lining up.

And then I counted. 5 in a box times with probably 20 = 100 times with how many boxes? 

I couldn't help it I suddenly felt a surge of hatred for the injustice on behalf of the people in the photo. 

What are their names? What are their stories like? How did they leave the world? What did they feel? What happened to their families? 

And finally, the question - What was it like to be one of them?

Having been abroad from Malaysia for a decade, the racial situation in Malaysia does not seem to get better, in fact, it is deteriorating. Partially because Malaysia's economic growth is slowing and neighbouring countries such as Indonesia, the Philippines, Vietnam and Thailand is catching up. We the Malayan Tigers trail behind Singapore. Politicians have to start explaining and answering the big W.H.Y. 

So, how does it feel like to be a Malaysian Chinese? Let this Malaysian Chinese tell you. 

"Will something such as the Holocaust happen in Malaysia?" This is a ringing thought that all Malaysian Chinese have to live with and if we choose not to migrate somewhere else. Maybe not all Malaysian Chinese, but that is how this little Malaysian Chinese girl feel. Although I have decided that, after my big tour in Europe, I will settle down in Malaysia, I cannot get rid of the feeling of guilt to my future kids that I was not able to get them out of this dilemma I'm facing myself. That they will be born into this dilemma.

Another thing some others may ask. "Does it feel more superior to be a Malaysian Chinese?" Absolutely not. In fact, it feels restricted. It feels like I constantly have to prove my faith and my patriotism and declare my love to Malaysia. Tell me who else in the world need to prove their love to their homeland to their own people?

25 mins Crunch

Dear Blog,

I have abandoned you for quite some time. Right now, my lappie is telling me I have only 25 mins to reconnect with you.

So, things kind of... got into a disarray after my last post on wanting to place my face on a photocopy machine....

2012, I was in a constant panic for turning 25. Some call that a quarter-life crisis. I called mine "I don't want the earth to come to an end on December 21 and me dying in Korea and regretting everything especially never having good sex."

So, December 21st came and the world was fine. I was glad to be home on 19th, at least I would die at home with family - that was in my mind.

And then I turned 25 and didn't sprout white hair overnight. So, I learned that I should stay calm and keep on with life. I formed a new-year-resolution for 2013.

To stay one more year in Seoul and build that resume to a 3-year-mark since I've already fought to be trading diesel.. :) Good fight in 2012.

I was in Seoul January 2. I started maxing my time picking up marie-story teaching both days on the weekend and starting to get really good at it. Life was amazing with the weather getting warmer and me pumping up to rise to the challenges 2013 is going to offer.

I negotiated my montly rent to 10man (unheard of in Seoul) and got my landlord to agree letting me replace the wallpaper and flooring according to my taste, and I will have to hand him the receipt and get a reimbursement. 

My rooftop has been newly renovated and I was ready to do BBQ for spring.....

I just checked.. I have another 15 mins on lappie...

So, on Jan 21, I was happily basking in how perfect life is lately.... but, I was just delaying the signing of the renewal contract for my place... I couldn't figure out why.

Until, erke ping-ed me to ask how was my weekend.

E: What did you do over weekend?

K: Teach.

E: I spent the whole day with my gf watching movie, cuddling and being cosy at home.

K: Sounds nice..

E: It is. Especially when you found THE ONE. I wish you can feel that too.

K: He's not here in Korea.

E: You haven't tried enough.

K: Yes, I had and I'm done trying because I know he's not here in Korea. He's just not and I know. If I ever want to have that, I have to quit my job and quit Korea soon.

(And upon typing out those words, tears just streamed down my cheeks.) 

I once read somewhere that, if you are not happy and do not know what is the reason, open a word file, type out everything you want in life, keep typing even if it doesn't make sense. And at some point, when what you typed out makes you cry because that's something you want the most, but there are so many other things holding you back from achieving it, that's what you have to do to make yourself happy.

Fyi. I tried, and because I am an impatient person, I gave up after like 3 sentences and then thought, that's rubbish.

But at that moment, when I typed out 'I have to quit my job and quit Korea.' I knew that, I couldn't bear with the fact that I made a resolution to put up with another year there, knowing that if 2011 wasn't better than 2010 and 2012 wasn't better than 2011, expecting 2013 to not be better than 2012. 

I can't do another 11 months of Korea. And honestly, it's not fair to blame Korea. I just needed to get out.

So, I back to the part when I was crying. I will be forever grateful to that person in the ladies washroom, who gave me another big push. Her words was, "Khay Inn, you are only 25, you have an engineering degree from a prestigious University , you speak more than 4 languages fluently and has no financial burden. You can survive anywhere! You're not stuck like the rest of us! Leave!"

It's like she lit a light bulb in my head...

From then on, life was just a foray of adventure.

I gave notice the next day and started packing backs to go back home for CNY for a week, go back to Seoul for another 3, pack and leave.

March 3, 2013. I left. One month earlier than the April 2013 plan I had in mind last year March.

I left a lucrative job with no plans. I went from that girl in Hyundai Oil to nothing. I was like the girl that CRASHED out after being the perfect example of "Look at xxx's daughter, studying overseas with a scholarship and getting into an oil company..." blablabla future, blablabla perfection, blablabla responsible, blablabla batshitcrazy...!

Okay, so I went to SG on March 7 just to see if I like the city and tried to weave something out of nothing. I started calculating on my savings and decided I won't die of starvation for 5 whole years if I live minimal...

There was a point where I hit my lowest end. That I would still cry because it's surreal. That I'm a jobless turd who quit without any plans.... And it's only MARCH! Of course, I wrote emotional emails and make heart-wrenching phone calls to friends telling them my world is coming to an end... 

Basically because I had too much time to worry.

Anyway, on March 15, I sent my first email for a reference to go into a consultant firm, and the reply from my reference person was.. "Your resume is hard to sell." I got into a frenzy of panic attack and sent out 30 applications in one day.

Then I started going to interviews and actually feel grateful to be able to put on nice clothes and make up...

....and, I went off on a trip with this dude that later turned out to be most amazing guy and showed me how dumb I was to have wallowed myself in all the drama with those turds in Seoul..

And then, I started scoring big with jobs locally... It turned out that 'the resume that is hard to sell on' got me to a position that most thought I do not and should not have deserved.

The same day I had to sign to start on this amazingly good position job in Malaysia, was the day an invitation to my dream job (the one I failed in June 2012) came knocking in my mailbox. After 2 phone calls, I gave up the one in Malaysia as I know it is not enough to make me feel out of my comfort zone. I thought to myself, if I were to get out of my comfort zone, I wanna make it a damn adventure.

I am now, writing this out from Stockholm, Sweden. I know I still have a long way to go and this job is mentally and physically challenging. And I do not particularly love the fact that I have started this LDR with the dude mentioned above. 

I do not know what is next. Or how I will fare on this current job.

What I know is, I never felt more alive being out of my comfort zone, and that's something I want for myself when I'm still in my 20s.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151296933812358

xx

What would come out on the paper if I put my face there… or better, somebody else’s face…

I smiled thinking of that when photocopying some documents.

How sick that is. I need to get out of this shit soon.

Holding on to a guy who is not into you, is like holding on to the last bit of melted dark chocolate in your mouth. You play around with it with your tongue, bit by bit, tasting its sweetness, and that little bit of bitterness that tags along its sweetness. Savouring it while it gets smaller and smaller in size, enjoying it, but in the end, it’s still gonna dissolve and slide down your throat.

When it’s there, the whole piece, you grow complacent. The thought of it dissolving away slipped your mind, until reality hits you, that this sweetness, is not lasting forever – you are losing it; then, you start putting your heart and soul into enjoying it – the bitter sweetness.

You wouldn’t want this to stop, ever, because you’ve just started to really enjoy it, feeling like it’s perfection, feeling like it matches all your cravings and needs. When it gets smaller and smaller, the fear of losing it drives the urge in you to hold on to it, sucking on it to hold on to that only perfection you have in mind. And then, when it finally vanishes down your throat, consequences of your own doing, you fall into a pit of emptiness. You weren’t ready to accept the loss, you regret it all happened too fast, thinking had you stopped and savoured it a little longer, had you prolonged its stay with you. All of a sudden, the other chocolates do not look as appealing as it was. By comparison, it faired so much better than others. It was PERFECT for you. You forgot, it is NOT perfect. It is PERFECT for you because losing yourself in the haze to hold on to it, you have unconsciously painted a PERFECT picture of it. In the midst of savouring its sweetness, you forgot about the sort of disturbing bitterness in it, you ignored the fact that when some of it got caught in between your teeth, it was a little uncomfortable. You choose to focus your attention only what was the perfect image in your mind and when it’s gone, you focus your attention on mourning the loss. Steadily ignoring the vast variety of chocolates available. You think, that’s loyalty. Loyalty to your perfect chocolate piece. Truth is, there’s only you yourself to prove that to. Let go and live a free life, when you stop trying to prove your point, you learn to enjoy various kinds of chocolates that satisfy your pallets enough to the point you would have to go on a diet.

Felt like writing and re-visited this place. Gosh, how amazing humans were created to be. Wireless internet, blogging and maybe a million of people thinking the same thoughts as I am right now, feeling the same feelings and going online to blog about it. And how unfair and unbalanced it is that, in some part of the world, people are just focused on not dying from hunger and lack of water; and in some part of the world, people are feeling not-too-happy from whatever particular reasons, going online to blog about it.

I don't even know why I still keep my blog and why I choose to come back still, once in awhile. Why I can't totally abandon it.

Maybe it's just some kind of log that I keep because I see myself change lil by lil with what I wrote and how I felt about things. And maybe it reminds me of who I wanted to be and keep me believing in what I believed in back then.

Few days ago, somebody asked me, what has changed in the span of 6 months over the phone.
I said, "Nothing much. Oh ya, I am an aunt now, I have a nephew"

Yes, ziying gave birth to a boy. :) Honestly, I don't know how I feel about all this but I know it's a beautiful thing that happened. Sorta like a miracle, I don't know how to express myself.

Truth is, so much has changed and right now I just don't wanna write anymore.